Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Our first haunted corn maze. Yikes.

The wife and I have really been looking forward to this holiday season. Baron is, of course, older now and we really think that he'll "get" the holidays and get into the spirit of things. Our hope is to decorate what little space we have with whatever little decoration(s) we can buy and really embrace the crazyness and really point out all of the decorations and symbols of each holiday and explain everything. And sing silly holiday songs. ESPECIALLY CHRISTMAS SONGS!!!!! Love, love, luv, LOVE me some Christmas songs. Year 'round if I could get away with it, but I can't. It makes "people", (my wife) highly irritable to hear Christmas songs in March or July or September. I don't get it but I gotta accept it.

Anyway, the first holiday on the docket is every bodies favorite candy fest, HALLOWEEN!!! The wife and I talked about getting pumpkins and what the boy would wear and what we might wear and going to the pumpkin patch and the corn maze and all that stuff that makes October worth putting on a calendar. Nana and Papa took us to the corn maze and it was really fun. By all rights the whole experience should have been a disaster but every time things looked like they were stacked against us karma would come up and turn things around for us. From the get-go I don't think anybody knew it was a haunted corn maze. Haunted corn maze's are for adults and teenagers who think that a spooky corn maze is a good place to make out with their special some one. Not for little kids. It didn't really dawn on me until we were in line to get in and the scary music was loud and the fog machine was firing up that Baron wasn't going to be into it. But we were there, we might as well try. What's a little terror? For all the noise and excitement Baron did really well waiting in line. We also did not realize that the maze wouldn't be opening until after dark so we waited in line for about forty five minutes before we started moving forward. Then, a group of young, evilish teeny boppers that were loitering on the other side of the ropes broke through and piled into the line right in front of us. I became almost irrationally mad at these pukey punks but wasn't gonna make a deal about it, especially in Baron's presence. We moved up about thirty feet and I heard them as they realized that they needed tickets to get into the corn maze, which they did not have. Ah.. innocence. Where everything is free and their are no repercussions until they slap you in the face. So, they stepped aside while we went in. The scary clown gave us the rundown, no touching, no leaving through the entrance, no tearing through the corn in a flight of gut wrenching terror. Baron made it twenty feet in on his own before he jumped into mommies arms. After a few different people in scary costume jumped out at us from the corn we decided this might be a bad idea and that we should find the exit. But see, here's the thing; WE WERE IN A CORN MAZE!! The whole point is to TRY and FIND the exit and it's not supposed to be easy. I've been in a few corn mazes' and I've never been through one in a short amount of time. I'd never tried it in the dark. I began to fear more and more that we were going to be stuck in that maze for at least an hour, at best. Nana led the charge by flashing her nice camera in the eyes of people who jumped out at her, as she giggled in a frantic fashion. That part was pretty brilliant. She actually used her camera's flash as an effective defensive weapon.

We had come around a familiar section of corn that looked a lot like the other sections of corn we had passed in the dark when somebody tripped on something and stopped to inspect said item. Turns out it was one of Baron's rain boots that must have fallen off when we were in that section of maze before. We didn't even know he was missing a boot! Score!!

But here's the crazy part; we were out of there within thirty to forty minutes. I couldn't believe it. We should've been chasing our tails much longer than that. Not that I'm complaining, far from it. We just really beat the odds on that one. And when we emerged triumphantly from the corn maze EXIT the line to enter the corn maze had grown into a giant serpent that coiled around the entire farm area and their was a line of cars trying to get into the parking lot. Now, that's crazy, but can you imagine what that maze must've been like later that evening? Hundreds of hairless apes shoulder to shoulder in a dusty dark corn maze. Imagine the percentage of those apes that were drunk or in the corn to get drunker! That, in every way possible, sounds more frightening and disturbing and grotesque than whatever some stoners in hockey masks could whip up to fit the limpest definition of 'scary'. Ewwwww..... No, no, we had an excellent time in the maze, all things considered. Baron was scared, of course, but it could have been a really bad scene. I liked it and when I'm older and grayer I'll look back on the whole occasion fondly.

Mommy had to work on Halloween evening and Baron is going through a phase where he's really scared or pretends to be scared so I didn't have any expectations for trick or treating. We don't live in a neighborhood for it, bunch of stuck up old pirates. I dressed Baron in his Batman pants and shirt with velcroed cape, grabbed a Spider-Man bucket and hit the streets. We walked all around the hood, enjoying the lovely, sunny fall weather. A couple of places were decorated but admiring their creativity from a short distance was as close as we were going to get to their front door. When all was said and done and we returned home he poured out his bucket on the floor and enjoyed the spoils of his holiday; Two rocks and four leaves.
I love that kid.
So friggin much.